Grace and Love

So lately the big lesson God has been teaching me is to let Him love me. This seems like a strange lesson to learn but I think it has been a long time coming. I was rereading the book Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller and in one of the chapters he is talking about grace and how some people accept it so freely and then others struggle with accepting it. It's like the concept slapped me in the face as if I had never really processed it all the way through before. He writes,

"I would hear about grace, read about grace, and even sing about grace, but accepting grace is an action I could not understand. It seemed wrong to me not to have to pay for my sin, not to feel guilty about it or kick myself around. More than that, grace did not seem like the thing I was looking for. It was too easy. I wanted to feel as though I earned my forgiveness as though God and I were buddies doing favors for each other."

I'm not saying that I have never accepted God's grace because I have and I have no doubt I am forgiven but I just feel as if I get caught in this trap of trying to prove myself and in a sense earn my keep with God, which when I think about it seems completely silly. In my head I know this isn't necessary but it seems to be this mentality I fall into. A little later in the chapter he says,

"I am too prideful to accept the grace of God. It isn't that I want to earn my own way to give something to God, it's that I want to earn my own way so I won't be charity." " Who am I to think myself above God's charity? And why would I forsake the riches of God's righteousness for the dung of my own ego?"

This really struck a cord with me. I have always found it easier to give than receive and I have always had this fear of being someone else's charity case. Here I am in a place where everyday I am working to take care of those who are in need and I am in just as much need of God's grace and love as anyone else. I am too prideful to accept God's gift of grace feeling as if I am not worthy of it and I can in someway prove to God I deserve it, but I am in no way different from anyone else and He offers it freely to all of us. He simply gives it because He loves me and I need to get myself out of the way sometimes and simply let Him.

"I will love God because he first loved me, I will obey God because I love God. But if I cannot accept God's love, I cannot love him in return, and I cannot obey him. Self-discipline will never make us feel righteous or clean; accepting God's love will. The ability to accept God's unconditional grace and ferocious love is all the fuel we need to obey him in return. Accepting God's kindness and free love is something the devil does not want us to do. If we hear, in our inner ear, a voice saying we are failures, we are losers, we will never amount to anything, this is the voice of Satan trying to convince the bride that the groom does not love her. This is not the voice of God. God woos us with kindness, He changes our character with the passion of His love."

Right here, right now

So by Tuesday of this last week, I was completely exhausted. I had worked 6 days in a row and I just felt done in. The day before, Monday was screening for VVF women and as tired as I felt about halfway through the day I stood in the stairway and thought to myself, there is nothing I would rather be doing right now and no where else I would rather be right now. It was one of those I am exactly where God wants me moments.

These women are amazing, they are fighters, they are beautiful, they are courageous, and they inspire me. We are doing 8 days of surgery and Lord willing will be able to help 20 women. Screening day was emotionally draining. My job was to take histories, help feed lunch, coordinate getting them to see the doctor for exams, and to pray with them. The stories break my heart and not being able to help all of them is a reality that we had to face. Who will we be able to help, who will have to wait? These are the times when I have to remember that we will help those God intends for us to help and He is big enough and has a plan for the others.

The first half of surgery is finished and the next half will be done next week. Please be praying for God's healing for these women. The reality is that not all of them will be healed, some will continue to leak and will need furture surgery. Even if not every surgery is a success we still have a chance to show everyone of these precious women who Jesus is, just by showing them love. Many of them have spent years feeling rejected and isolated and they open up to us so freely, so my prayer is that we can show them in every action we take and in the words that we say who Jesus is.

Here is one story of a women who I took care of in July to give you a better idea about who these women are to me.

Rebecca: From Suffering to Joy

“I was eighteen years old when this happened to me,” Rebecca says. She is speaking in her native dialect in front of dozens of people. She is wearing a new dress to symbolize her new life as she shares her story of suffering.

“I was in labor for five days, and finally I went to the hospital. The baby was dead. And I was wounded in [such] a way that I thought I would never walk again.”

Rebecca, now 35 years old, traveled from neighboring Togo to the Mercy Ship in Benin. She had shouldered the burden of obstetric fistula for 17 years. This childbirth injury often occurs in areas without adequate obstetric care and leaves the mother incontinent. Often the woman is abandoned by her husband, and having more children becomes difficult or impossible.

At first Philip, the baby’s father, did abandon her. For the next few months, Rebecca’s family took care of her. Eventually, Philip returned. “It was God who brought him back,” Rebecca says. Otherwise, she feels she might have been alone forever.

Rebecca and Philip were married and now have five children, but she still carried the shame of her condition and tried to hide it from everyone around her. She did not leave the house, and the only person outside her family who knew of her condition was her neighbor, who saw her washing out soiled clothes and hanging them to dry.

“I worried for so long,” Rebecca says. “I was very discouraged, and because I didn’t have enough money, I couldn’t go to the hospital for treatment.”

When Rebecca eventually came to the Mercy Ship, a nurse sat with her and asked her the standard questions to establish her medical history – questions that were painful for Rebecca to answer. How many children have you delivered? How many are still alive? How long ago did the injury occur? Did your husband leave you? As the nurse paused in her questions and put her hand on Rebecca’s knee, Rebecca began to cry.

Then, the night before her surgery, Rebecca lay in her hospital bed and tears formed in her eyes as she remembered the long years of suffering that lay behind her.

“I just remembered [the] past,” Rebecca says. “For seventeen years, I have been like this.” Those years were long and hard as she fought to forget her problem so she could be a good mother, trying to find the right answers when her children asked why she needed to layer cloth beneath her before she went to bed at night.

Now, as Rebecca shares her story, there is no sadness, because her surgery was successful. Her smile is constant and sweet. She wants to sing, dance and give thanks. Rebecca goes home with her shame replaced by hope for the future. She is happy to be with her children, her husband, her family, and her neighbors. She is healed, in both her body and spirit.

“I was so thirsty and I came here to the Mercy Ship and was given a drink. You have taken care of me better than a mother. You have done everything – even clothed me,” she joyfully says as she smiles and motions to her beautiful new dress.

Story by Carmen Radley

Daniel

I think sometimes we forget how fragile life really is. We get into a routine and take it for granted that tomorrow things will be the same as they are today. The truth is things can change in an instant and we are all only a moment away from having our world turned upside down. On Wednesday of this past week we got the news that one of our translator's was hit by a truck and killed earlier that day. Daniel had two small children and and wife he leaves behind. He was a man of God, an amazing musician, and a big part of our team here. He will be missed terribly.

A big part of what we are able to do in this ministry rests with our local volunteers. They are an awesome group of people that are dedicated to helping their own community and in working side by side we become like a family.

So please be praying for Daniel's family and friends as well as the translators and nurses that knew him, that although we mourn his loss we rejoice for Daniel as he is with his savior dancing on streets of gold.

Hello's, Good-bye's, & a Birthday Party

It was so nice to land in Benin and have welcoming arms there to greet me at the airport and to turn onto the dock and be excited to see the ship. As sad as I am to be leaving my family back in Illinois, it is great to have my family here so glad to have me back.

One thing about living on this ship is you are continuously saying hello and saying good-bye. People come and go almost everyday. It is just part of what we do. God's timing is amazingly evident in this process. In the way he brings 2 strangers in on the same flight who will grow to be close friends, who rely on each other throughout their time here and beyond. I have only been here about a week and have already said good-bye to 2 friends who I met before I left in July and who have been serving here in my absence, now it is their turn to go. I am still no good with saying good-bye, but I am learning with every one of them that it is better to say good-bye than to have never had the opportunity to say hello.

Yesterday, I had the opportunity to go to a friend's daughter's 3-year old birthday party on the beach. Clementine translates for us on the ship and I was honored to be invited to her daughter's party. There were 5 of us invited from the ship and we were welcomed right into the festivities like we were part of the family. It was a lot of fun and I will cherish the memories from afternoon's like this one.

To see more pictures from my first week back check out these facebook album's:

Hello and Good-bye

Birthday at the Beach