Lonely for the ladies

It's been two days now since they danced. Since the 12 of them stood there in the brand new hospital all dressed up in new clothes with necklaces they had each made by hand. I hope I can hold onto the memories of that day like I do right now.

To memories like that of the oldest lady of the bunch putting on her own dance show right in the middle of the ceremony, swinging her hips a little extra and simply stealing the show after sharing her testimony of how after 30 years of leaking she is finally dry. She is this sassy old women who stole my heart, as I fear I will be just like her when I am her age. Every time she saw you she would call you over often by name pronounced in her own unique way with a  little scowl on her face. She wanted her pot emptied or for you to do this or that, whatever it was that she thought was so important at that moment. Her unique name pronunciations have now given my good friend Kathleen the nickname of Kapleenchy which I plan to use for the rest of her life! Once she got your attention she was not letting you go until you got it right even if it was 3 in the morning. Then once you had accomplished her requested task she would just beam a big smile of praise. Dealing with a little extra sass was worth every second as I watched her dance.

Then there was the memory of another lady whose little girl won you over with cuteness as she worked so hard at remembering our names and then shouting them loudly to get our attention even from across the compound. Every dress ceremony is filled with more than a couple potty breaks, but for women who haven't been able to go like the rest of us for the past however many years it is a welcome interruption. Well mama took her first potty break by walking to the bathroom but then decided she wasn't going to miss the action so the next time she just went right there in the room in a little pot tucked behind a bed. Just as she went she realized the other ladies were headed over to shake the doctor's hand and to show him their gratitude and so she quickly jumped up and ran over giving everyone in the room a laugh.

Lastly I hope I never forget the smile and look of joy as I caught the eye of and gave a quick wink to our smallest patient of this trip. She found some physical healing but also some spiritual healing and the truth and power of Jesus in her short time with us.

It has only been two days but I find myself missing them already.

Freedom to dance

I don't know what it is about these ladies that makes me feel just a little bit more free. When in my day to day life back at home I find myself a little more reserved and I hold just a little more back. But here with the ladies I make a fool of myself with motions and facial expressions just to get a point across with overcoming the language barrier. My Hausa is still kudunk kudunk (small small). I let myself dance and laugh and giggle just a little bit easier. Today was visiting hours on the ward and we had all the ladies family members come in. We got all the patients out of bed and into this room with a few benches. We had a radio with some local praise cassettes and we turned the music on and had a great time. The ladies led us in some dances that mostly consisted of shuffling around in a big circle and spinning around every few beats. Then we decided to show them some white girl dancing which ended up consisting of country line dancing, the macarena, and the hokey pokey. They thought we were crazy but we all laughed until our sides hurt. These women who by our western standards and even by their own cultures standards have nothing, they are the lowest of the low but they seem to teach me everyday a little more about life, resilience, happiness, and laughter.

Can I go home yet?

Before I left for this trip I found myself selfishly fighting this feeling of wishing it was over already. I felt this way because I knew that at some point I would get to my breaking point where I feel completely and utterly exhausted and frustrated. I can't even find the right words to describe that feeling, I just feel done. This point came after 5 days of working long days in the heat and 2 nights of very interrupted sleep with trips to or calls from    the ward. The one good thing about getting to this point in the trip is that I then get over it. I found  some space, talked to God, and took a nap and now I find myself on the other side of the mountain and I like it here. The surgeries are done, there is time to play games in the evening, time to dance, make necklaces, and sit outside with the ladies. Time to breathe. I love this time when you realize why you pushed so hard. God teaches me a lesson in those times. He reminds me that He is the one carrying me, I am not strong enough to simply push through as I often fool myself into believing. I need His grace and strength to fight my way to the other side of the mountain.

Potential

As I first stepped into the completed Danja Fistula Center, where back in March it had been just walls with unfinished rooms now there was a hospital. There stood a clinic, an operating room, a ward! I walked around this big empty space and just felt in awe of the potential of this place. Lord willing this will be a place of healing. In time it has the potential to help hundreds and then thousands of women that will walk into this place in search of a new beginning. My prayer of dedication for this place is that it will be exactly that, a place of healing for bodies and for souls. As we got started working for the first time in this facility we found as with any trial run many kinks; sinks that leak, fuses that blow, things that don't work, and a very confusing system of a different key for every one of the more than 30 doors. As I sat and thought about this new place and all it's problems and how they are trying to hide the potential it made me think of how we are as humans. God created us in his image and then in our humanness and sin the kinks come out and they try to obscure the potential and hinder the good we are capable of accomplishing. We sin and break down and turn away and we break God's heart. But hallelujah this is not the end of the story, Jesus died and rose again and his blood covers our imperfections. I believe that despite the trials and struggles of this first week that this new hospital can reach it's potential even with the bumpy road ahead. I know that at least for the 12 women that we operated on with this trip that they did find hope here in this place. They found laughter and friendship and healing and that is a great starting point.

The Middle

Right now I feel like I am just stuck in the middle, the middle of everything. I am halfway done with graduate school which in turn makes me feel stuck in the middle of being student and professional. I feel in the middle of what I need to be doing here and the work that needs doing there (wherever there may be). I just feel stuck and I do not like being stuck. I am the girl that likes to have an exit strategy at all times and there is no exit in site.

But the good thing is right here in the middle of the middle is a little escape! My bags are packed and filled with needles, medications, and supplies. I have turned in my final summer paper, finished up my final clinical hours, finished up my last 3 night shifts and I am ready to jet! In a little over 12 hours I am getting on a plane and headed back to Danja, Niger. Somehow everything feels a little more right within me. I've got that little spark of excitement that comes with the inevitable drama of international travel. I am excited to get back and see how the project has progressed since we last left it in March. They say the building including the OR and the patient ward are ready for us to use and we are going to give them a try.

As with any trial run we are sure to encounter some hiccups. The first of which has already begun as the prep team who headed out a couple days ago in order to set up before surgery next week has yet to make it to Danja. Weather and lost luggage are the culprit and we are praying for swift resolution to both.  As I read the email this morning explaining that the set up team was yet to get there my heart sunk. They were supposed to make sure we had everything we needed so if not the remaining members of the team could bring it with us. Now I feel like we are going in blind. As I read on Dr. Steve so beautifully reminded me that yes this trip is about surgery and healing but even more than that this trip is about learning to look a little bit more like Jesus. This is so true and struck me so profoundly. Every trip I have taken has done this. Every time we seek to do His will and we follow His lead no matter the outcome He is using that time to teach us even in little ways to love a little more like He does.

I'll be gone 2 weeks. This next week Lord willing we will be doing surgery and the following sticking around for the ladies to finish healing do a little dancing and celebrating, planning for the future of the site and then coming back. I won't be able to blog while I am there but please cover these next couple weeks in prayer. Pray for the ladies; that God will begin the healing within them. We ask for not only physical healing but also for emotional and spiritual healing as well. Please pray that we can use His discernment to know who to help now and who can wait. And lastly do please play for the travel; for good connections and for arrival of supplies.

See you in a couple weeks!