Lonely for the ladies

It's been two days now since they danced. Since the 12 of them stood there in the brand new hospital all dressed up in new clothes with necklaces they had each made by hand. I hope I can hold onto the memories of that day like I do right now.

To memories like that of the oldest lady of the bunch putting on her own dance show right in the middle of the ceremony, swinging her hips a little extra and simply stealing the show after sharing her testimony of how after 30 years of leaking she is finally dry. She is this sassy old women who stole my heart, as I fear I will be just like her when I am her age. Every time she saw you she would call you over often by name pronounced in her own unique way with a  little scowl on her face. She wanted her pot emptied or for you to do this or that, whatever it was that she thought was so important at that moment. Her unique name pronunciations have now given my good friend Kathleen the nickname of Kapleenchy which I plan to use for the rest of her life! Once she got your attention she was not letting you go until you got it right even if it was 3 in the morning. Then once you had accomplished her requested task she would just beam a big smile of praise. Dealing with a little extra sass was worth every second as I watched her dance.

Then there was the memory of another lady whose little girl won you over with cuteness as she worked so hard at remembering our names and then shouting them loudly to get our attention even from across the compound. Every dress ceremony is filled with more than a couple potty breaks, but for women who haven't been able to go like the rest of us for the past however many years it is a welcome interruption. Well mama took her first potty break by walking to the bathroom but then decided she wasn't going to miss the action so the next time she just went right there in the room in a little pot tucked behind a bed. Just as she went she realized the other ladies were headed over to shake the doctor's hand and to show him their gratitude and so she quickly jumped up and ran over giving everyone in the room a laugh.

Lastly I hope I never forget the smile and look of joy as I caught the eye of and gave a quick wink to our smallest patient of this trip. She found some physical healing but also some spiritual healing and the truth and power of Jesus in her short time with us.

It has only been two days but I find myself missing them already.

Freedom to dance

I don't know what it is about these ladies that makes me feel just a little bit more free. When in my day to day life back at home I find myself a little more reserved and I hold just a little more back. But here with the ladies I make a fool of myself with motions and facial expressions just to get a point across with overcoming the language barrier. My Hausa is still kudunk kudunk (small small). I let myself dance and laugh and giggle just a little bit easier. Today was visiting hours on the ward and we had all the ladies family members come in. We got all the patients out of bed and into this room with a few benches. We had a radio with some local praise cassettes and we turned the music on and had a great time. The ladies led us in some dances that mostly consisted of shuffling around in a big circle and spinning around every few beats. Then we decided to show them some white girl dancing which ended up consisting of country line dancing, the macarena, and the hokey pokey. They thought we were crazy but we all laughed until our sides hurt. These women who by our western standards and even by their own cultures standards have nothing, they are the lowest of the low but they seem to teach me everyday a little more about life, resilience, happiness, and laughter.

Can I go home yet?

Before I left for this trip I found myself selfishly fighting this feeling of wishing it was over already. I felt this way because I knew that at some point I would get to my breaking point where I feel completely and utterly exhausted and frustrated. I can't even find the right words to describe that feeling, I just feel done. This point came after 5 days of working long days in the heat and 2 nights of very interrupted sleep with trips to or calls from    the ward. The one good thing about getting to this point in the trip is that I then get over it. I found  some space, talked to God, and took a nap and now I find myself on the other side of the mountain and I like it here. The surgeries are done, there is time to play games in the evening, time to dance, make necklaces, and sit outside with the ladies. Time to breathe. I love this time when you realize why you pushed so hard. God teaches me a lesson in those times. He reminds me that He is the one carrying me, I am not strong enough to simply push through as I often fool myself into believing. I need His grace and strength to fight my way to the other side of the mountain.

Potential

As I first stepped into the completed Danja Fistula Center, where back in March it had been just walls with unfinished rooms now there was a hospital. There stood a clinic, an operating room, a ward! I walked around this big empty space and just felt in awe of the potential of this place. Lord willing this will be a place of healing. In time it has the potential to help hundreds and then thousands of women that will walk into this place in search of a new beginning. My prayer of dedication for this place is that it will be exactly that, a place of healing for bodies and for souls. As we got started working for the first time in this facility we found as with any trial run many kinks; sinks that leak, fuses that blow, things that don't work, and a very confusing system of a different key for every one of the more than 30 doors. As I sat and thought about this new place and all it's problems and how they are trying to hide the potential it made me think of how we are as humans. God created us in his image and then in our humanness and sin the kinks come out and they try to obscure the potential and hinder the good we are capable of accomplishing. We sin and break down and turn away and we break God's heart. But hallelujah this is not the end of the story, Jesus died and rose again and his blood covers our imperfections. I believe that despite the trials and struggles of this first week that this new hospital can reach it's potential even with the bumpy road ahead. I know that at least for the 12 women that we operated on with this trip that they did find hope here in this place. They found laughter and friendship and healing and that is a great starting point.

The Middle

Right now I feel like I am just stuck in the middle, the middle of everything. I am halfway done with graduate school which in turn makes me feel stuck in the middle of being student and professional. I feel in the middle of what I need to be doing here and the work that needs doing there (wherever there may be). I just feel stuck and I do not like being stuck. I am the girl that likes to have an exit strategy at all times and there is no exit in site.

But the good thing is right here in the middle of the middle is a little escape! My bags are packed and filled with needles, medications, and supplies. I have turned in my final summer paper, finished up my final clinical hours, finished up my last 3 night shifts and I am ready to jet! In a little over 12 hours I am getting on a plane and headed back to Danja, Niger. Somehow everything feels a little more right within me. I've got that little spark of excitement that comes with the inevitable drama of international travel. I am excited to get back and see how the project has progressed since we last left it in March. They say the building including the OR and the patient ward are ready for us to use and we are going to give them a try.

As with any trial run we are sure to encounter some hiccups. The first of which has already begun as the prep team who headed out a couple days ago in order to set up before surgery next week has yet to make it to Danja. Weather and lost luggage are the culprit and we are praying for swift resolution to both.  As I read the email this morning explaining that the set up team was yet to get there my heart sunk. They were supposed to make sure we had everything we needed so if not the remaining members of the team could bring it with us. Now I feel like we are going in blind. As I read on Dr. Steve so beautifully reminded me that yes this trip is about surgery and healing but even more than that this trip is about learning to look a little bit more like Jesus. This is so true and struck me so profoundly. Every trip I have taken has done this. Every time we seek to do His will and we follow His lead no matter the outcome He is using that time to teach us even in little ways to love a little more like He does.

I'll be gone 2 weeks. This next week Lord willing we will be doing surgery and the following sticking around for the ladies to finish healing do a little dancing and celebrating, planning for the future of the site and then coming back. I won't be able to blog while I am there but please cover these next couple weeks in prayer. Pray for the ladies; that God will begin the healing within them. We ask for not only physical healing but also for emotional and spiritual healing as well. Please pray that we can use His discernment to know who to help now and who can wait. And lastly do please play for the travel; for good connections and for arrival of supplies.

See you in a couple weeks!

Procrastination

So it turns out I am pretty good at procrastinating, excellent at it in fact. This is definitely one of my not so great traits. Somehow this thing happens when you start putting something off, the longer you put it off the easier it gets to just keep putting it off. I seem to always have at least 2 or 3 things sitting in the back of my mind I should be doing and that I am actively putting off. Updating this blog has been one of those things for about 3 months now ... some others include cleaning out my email/facebook inboxes, returning about 3 phone calls, reading through what assignments will be due this summer for my classes, and getting a text book for a class that started 9 days ago. Wow that all seem ridiculous when I write it down.

So if you are wondering if I am still freshly jet lagged in Niger ... nope. I have been there and back again, finished my second semester of graduate school, started doing clinic work for school, and am planning my next trip back to Niger with these last 3 months of blog procrastination time! 

I am so excited about the work going on in Niger with the Danja project, if I let myself think about it too much I get completely distracted from life and don't get a thing done. Worldwide Fistula Fund has been working on building this freestanding fistula hospital in rural Niger for the last couple years and we are soon going to see it operational! The trip in March was very successful. We were so blessed to be able to help 18 women in the 2 weeks we were there. At that time we were still using the facilities of the existing leprosy hospital that is run by the missionary organization SIM. Lord willing in August we will be using the new hospital facilities that are being built for the fistula hospital and then by November we plan to have the grand opening! The hope is that by November we can start continual operations. God has provided a gifted African surgeon who will be working with us, but a big prayer request is that we can find and train the remaining support staff. 

The March trip was really my first look and experience with fistula work in the land based setting. To say that it is different then working on the Mercy Ship is an understatement. It has different challenges and different strengths but I think that this model will in the long run be a much more effective method of providing good care with good follow-up for the ladies. The 2 weeks were fast and furious, filled with very long hot days and some long nights. It was filled with trying to pick up Hausa (the local tribal language), remembering how to drive a manual, and a camel ride. Just as a side note my favor Hausa phrase so far is Babu Wahala, it means no worries. 

On this trip the fact that this project needs someone who can make a longer term commitment of a couple years to come in and help get everything running, staff trained, and the kinks worked out came up. Now at this point in my life this is not an option for me, I am in graduate school and this has got to be the priority. Now of course the thought of possible long term service in my future has crossed my mind and the truth is I don't know if that will be my future life or not, but for now I am so grateful for those people like my friend Ashley who are praying and seeking about possibilities of long term service. 

I thought I would walk away from this trip with a better idea about if this is what I wanted to do with my life or not and the truth is I walked away with many more questions than answers. There were a couple of experiences on this trip that really helped open my eyes to what day to day land based missionary medical work looks like. There simply are not enough supplies and resources to do somethings we need to do, so you make the best of what you have. But that is easier said then done. It is completely maddening to be in those situations where "if I only had..." it would be so easy to fix said problem or situation. I distinctly remember one moment when our anesthesiologist had just gotten on a plane and we all of a sudden had two patients that needed to go back to the operating theater. I remember standing in the operating room holding this patient's hand while I looked the surgeon in the eye and he said, I'm not quite sure what to do. It is in those moments when you have to make the hard decision, those moments when you do the not so nice thing to a patient even though it is best for them, those moments when you simply have to make do that you really find out what your made of. In that particular moment all I could think to myself is do I have the stomach for this, can I do this? Well I guess the truth of it is I was doing it, I did make it though. The patients did fine and it all worked out, but it is in that moment that it hit me square in the eyes, if I continue to do work like this eventually in one of those moments it won't work out, something bad will happen, someone might die. This is a reality that I have to face and I have to work though.

So in the end I walked away with more questions but this thing I know, God walks ahead of me and He is in all those moments and I will trust Him to guide me through it all. 

To see all my pictures from my trip check out my facebook album.

4 a.m. or 10 a.m. ???? I just don't know

When I work the overnight shift, I usually do pretty well until about 4 a.m. then I hit the wall and until about 5:30 my body screams .... you should be sleeping!

So the first day of surgery started early for me with the alarm at 0600. We have 4 surgeries today and in order to get them all in we need to start at 8. So for me this means I need to get down to the ward and get the first patient ready. She needs a shower and an IV and time for the IV fluid to get in. I am greeted warmly as I come around the corner into the ward at 0630.

I make it to 1000 and the first patient is in the operating theater and the next two are ready and here comes the wall. I feel like it is 4 in the morning ... wait it is 4 in the morning or at least it is on the other side of the world where I usually lay my head. But here in Danja it is 1000 and hot and muggy and quiet and my body is saying sleep! So while I have a quick moment I lay down to close my eyes for a quick rest on the bench in the ward and the minute I do the patient returns from surgery... it's ok this is her 3rd attempt at having her fistula fixed and it is time to get back to work.

It is good for the next 3 ladies that this lady with previous surgeries went first, she isn't nervous about the process she just takes it all in stride and with a smile. She even takes it upon herself to help explain what will happen to the other ladies and demonstrate for them some of the things we ask them to do in preparation for surgery.

One of the other ladies who is next for surgery was anxiously watching on as the lady next to her had her IV started. The whole time she watched her neighbor, I was watching her face. Her face read fear. As a nurse I don't even think twice about these things I consider routine everyday procedures. But for especially these patients this may be their first time ever in a hospital or to see an IV needle or a blood pressure cuff and the inside of an operating room. How crazy scary this must be for them and how much trust it must take for them to let us... these people they don't know, that speak a different language, and are a different color come in and take control from them and then trust us to care for them. As the IV is finished on her neighbor she looks up and catches my eye, I smile and she giggles like she was caught cheating on her fourth grade math test. Fear will not rule for today she is taking this chance for hope and as I write this her surgery went well and so far she is dry!

African Sun

There is this distinct feeling that comes over me when I take that first step off the plane into the hot West African sun. It's this hard to describe moment of yep I'm here. One of the team members asked me in the car from the airport if my heart was tied to West Africa and as I thought about it for a moment the response that came was my heart is fully tied to VVF and caring for these ladies. So far West Africa has given me the opportunity to do that but I think I would be happy wherever doing whatever so long as I am doing something to serve these women.

Screening day started very early before 6 with the small flight from Niamey to Maradi and then the drive to Danja. When we arrived we found the ladies waiting for us, approximately 40 of them and some of them had been waiting for us for two weeks. They were waiting for us under the big shade tree (pictures to come soon). We were greeted in a whirlwind of Sannu (hello in Hausa) and handshakes and giggles.

It was after lunch when we got started but we hit the ground running, screening all 40 women. Screen day in a word is exhausting. More then the jet lag and dehydration and the heat, it is emotionally draining on me. We saw these 40 ladies and had only 18 surgical spots. The silver lining in this here at Danja is that we are building this clinic to stay and be a permanent thing here so we are not saying no to these women we are just saying not right now.  So with all 18 spots full surgery starts bright and early the next morning.

I do not like breakfast at midnight

So the road to Danja well more like the airplanes to Danja came in 4 parts. Chicago to New York - New York to Paris - Paris to Niamey (capitol of Niger) - Niamey via 6 seater (including pilot) SIM missionary plane to Maradi (second largest city in Niger) - then finally a drive to Danja.  The big time change comes in the flight to Paris. These flights are always this strange disorienting night in fast forward. They feed you dinner, shut the lights off and tuck you in for a nice nights sleep, then a couple hours later, around midnight turn the lights back on break out the coffee and serve breakfast. This always brings up this great dilemma; sleep or coffee.... sleep or coffee.... I choose sleep! Then you land and get off the plane and everyone is alert and just starting the day and its annoying... so I went in desperate search of some coffee and paid like $5 for basically a double espresso and milk. It helped but even more than that finally seeing all the team as we met up at the gate to board the flight to Niger. It was a great reunion!  On to Africa!

Danja Bound

Some how writing this now feels almost forced. I haven't updated my blog since I left Africa and now the only reason I find I can make myself write again is that I am getting on a plane in the morning to go back. It's not that I haven't thought about sitting down to write a hundred times but what could I say that would compare with the work and the stories that went on with Mercy Ships. To be honest I have let this  idea take over since I returned from Africa. It's not as though nothing has happened, I have started a master's program in nursing, got a new job, moved to a new city, and even survived a blizzard.  I am settling into life here in Chicago but something feels a bit off. There is something missing. I think when you are doing something that fills you so fully and consumes all of you and then you step away from that, there comes with it this sense of loss and an emptiness. This transition has been something for me to really work through over these past seven months, and it has been anything but easy. God has been using this time to teach me new and different life lessons. The gypsy soul in me has been learning what it looks like to have to make an effort and invest with a longer term outlook. I will be in Chicago for years not months and although at first this caused me to have little heart palpitations, I am slowly coming to the point where the idea of being able to invest in relationships in the longer term is really exciting. God has blessed me with an amazing roommate, great classmates, and solid friends at church and somehow I have managed to find a community to live in that doesn't float, and I am very thankful for it!

So since I left Togo in July, I have known this trip to Niger was coming. I knew before I even came back to the states that this trip coincided with my spring break and there was no way I was missing it. In fact I have been clinging to it. When I got my plane tickets I was dancing around my apartment like a crazy person. Now it's here... it's tomorrow... and I am very excited. 

I have the opportunity to work with Worldwide Fistula Fund and their Danja Project.  I am headed out for two weeks to be doing more fistula work and reuniting with the old team of sorts even though it is with a different organization and in a very different setting. The same surgeon Dr. Steve will be our lead surgeon, and my fellow nurses are old friends, Beccy, Karin, and Ashley and I could not be more excited to be working side by side with them again caring for our ladies that we all love with all our hearts.  This trip will look a lot different as it is in a rural area at a land based clinic. The organization has been working on the building of the free standing fistula clinic in a small rural community of Danja, Niger. This trip, Lord willing, will be the final one before the clinic opens later this spring! We will be doing 5-7 days of surgery and hopefully helping about 15 women!

While there I will have some intermittent internet access so I will try and blog and post pictures as I can. Thanks in advance for all the prayers... I know that the Lord walks ahead and I am excited to follow Him on the adventure of the next two weeks!