So Far Away

Today.... Africa feels like worlds away.... the ocean feels so much bigger than it did yesterday.... and to be honest I am mad at it. I am mad that the ocean is so big. I am mad that I spent the whole day feeling helpless. Nurses don't like to feel helpless, we are fixers and today nothing was to be fixed, at least by my hands.

The morning started with tragedy... a call for the emergency teams to A ward it was only a few minutes before we heard the news and it took my breath away. In moments like this time stills for just a moment. The call was for Anicette and she was gone. This ship has a long history with Ani, she came to us last year a malnourished tiny little thing with a cleft lip and palate. She went to and fro from the hospitality center to the hospital and back again as we fought the uphill battle for her to gain enough weight for surgery. It only took one look at Ani and she had you hooked. She was famous on the wards in no time and everyone knew her by name. She had her surgery and went home a healthy looking happy little baby girl. She returned this year severely malnourished again, what had happened to our dear little Anicette and could we get her to gain the weight back. At 14 months old she weighed just over 8lbs. We admitted her again and began the fight again. Then this morning without warning she was gone. I know this happens, in fact one child every 5 seconds dies from hunger related causes. But its not supposed to happen in here not when we are fighting so hard. When you know the face and the name and you have held her in your arms.....it is not supposed to happen then. By midday you could feel a weight on the whole ship, here when something happens in the hospital the whole ship mourns and today we are sad.

I felt like I didn't have the time to process it. I was trying to figure out some logistics for my VVF women and making sense of things with your African contacts is like a big maze of confusion. Who am I meeting with when, and who has found how many women where? and no I didn't talk to that women from the rotary club I have never even heard her name before. It was an uphill battle that has yet to be won.

About 10 minutes before I was to go into a meeting to try and sort some of these details out, one of the gals from the office came down the hall, your mom is on the phone she said.... I thought well this cannot be good. It hit me like a brick. It doesn't matter that the words include she is ok I am still on  a completely different continent and never feel the distance quite as much as in these moments. I have spent the rest of the day crying out to God. Lord heal her wounds, bind them together. Guide the hands of the surgeon and give her body, mind, and spirit your divine healing.

I feel so helpless, but the truth is the prayers are the most important thing I can offer. And tonight Jesus, I lay it all at your feel. Give baby Ani a kiss for me and hold Megan in your arms.